- || Subconsciously Running Rampant || -

21 September 2009 @ 03:03 pm

So I'm sitting in class, not paying attention, again. It's Legal Foundations of American Capitalism. I know. Even reading that title makes me lose interest. But it's required for my minor so I'm trudging through it. This is probably going to come back and bite me in the ass come midterms, but for now I'm coasting.

I haven't even read my own journal in months. It's probably going on a year now. So when I clicked on the link and read some of the entries, I felt like I was looking at another person. And I realized something. I only use this journal when I'm upset. When I have some secret nagging my brain that I don't feel like getting into a conversation with someone else about. So I feel like I should clear something up about my life to date.

I'm happy.

I'm at a comfortable place in my college life. Sure I could party a little more, but let's be serious, I party a hell of a lot. I'm doing better in my Japanese class than I ever have before. My last three quizzes have all been 100%, and the last test I took was a 94%. I'm keeping in touch with my family a good amount. It's not a chore anymore to call them, nor do I feel pressured to do it.

And most importantly, I'm in a relationship in which both of us are fighting to be together.

I don't think I've ever been in a relationship like this in my life. That doesn't mean we never have a problem, or that we never get upset. We do. It's incredibly difficult this semester just based on the amount of time we have to ourselves (which is not a lot, by any account). But not one argument goes by where one of us doesn't say, "I want to make this work." It's an incredible feeling to know that someone's fighting to be with you. Sometimes he's even fighting with me about it, because we all know how self-sabotaging I am. But we make each other better, balance each other out, we're there and vital in each other's lives. And despite all the issues that we have, we're so happy. We're legitimately the power couple. We're strong, and we make people jealous, and we've been told such on numerous occasions. (Yes, I feel a little evil in feeling proud about that but I still do anyway.) We're cute together, we fit. We are the example. It's amazing and explosive and beautiful and we're in love.

As much as this is a cliche I've never found it more true in my life. "One day, someone will come along and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else." He fights for me. He fights to be with me. He loves me. We're unstoppable. I see a future with him that I have never even contemplated with anyone else.

Life's good. And I just felt like I needed to write that here. To make it known that things have a way of working themselves out. I think it's good to always remind yourself of that, especially when it looks like it never will. You have the strength to overcome anything. And it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Love. :]

Current Mood:

complacent

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22 November 2008 @ 05:53 pm

so s c r e a m

There's something fucking wrong with me.

There has to be something wrong with me. This can't honestly be called normal.
I need to suck it the fuck up and get over it. I'm so sick and tired of angsty posting, running back like a whiny coward to the internet to try and stuff my feelings into a sequence of words on a page. I'm more fucking angsty than when I was in high school, and that's just bullshit. The fuck is wrong with me? I need to just grow up. I can't sit here whining all day. It pisses me the fuck off that I feel like this, mopey and emo.

Someone needs to give me a good punch in the chest so I really have something to feel pain about.

I'm hiding myself in binary code, scribbling text into a place where no one else will see as if that means this doesn't exist. If only it were that easy. That's another thing. I have to stop talking. I talk too much. I vent to anything that has ears and stays in my vicinity for longer than two damn seconds.

Okay... so that might not be true. The only people I really vent to are Alex, Zanna, and Anna. Yesterday I stayed up till around 4 in the morning just talking to Alex about my issues. Which really don't need to be talked about, I mean... It helps for me to say it out loud but it doesn't solve the issues and eventually people can only hear the same thing so many times till they just stop listening.

Alex said the weirdest thing to me last night. Well... it wasn't actually weird. It shut me up, that's for sure. I think it's because it was true.

Alex (exasperated): You're so confusing.
Me (slightly amused): What? How am I confusing?
Alex: Because you're always on edge.
Me (confused): On edge? What do you mean "on edge"?
Alex (eerily serious): Like you're deciding whether to touch someone or not.

It threw me because it really resonated in me. I've never had someone so blatantly and honestly say something like that before. I don't know how else to explain this without sounding horribly cliche, but it's true. It's like feeling someone cut straight through clay and split it open. Alex has a tendency to do that and it's at once both comforting and horrifying.

I mean... he can't be the only person to know me so well. There's Maggie and Agata, of course. But... with Maggie and Agata it's completely nonverbal. We just know. We just understand, and there's not much else that needs to happen. Alex is the only one who's really said it to the open air. It's like a slap in the face to be confronted like that. It knocks the wind out of you, really. Maybe this is just my reaction because I always work so hard to keep a wall up. I keep a lot to myself. Not that I'm not a social person, because I guarantee I can talk till I'm blue in the face. But deep things, personal things like this... they never really come out. Bits and pieces maybe but never the way it does when Alex is there.

I'm not quite sure why. Every since I had that breakdown to him in the hallway... it's been a constant battle. I love him to death, I really do. He's an amazing friend. But honestly? After I broke down like that, after he saw me like that... I really questioned whether I wanted to even see him the next day. Does that make me a horrible person? It's like I couldn't handle the fact that he saw me like that, so brutally and emotionally laid bare. I confessed something to him that I don't think I've ever really put into so many words before. I was sobbing into his chest curled up in a ball and he just held me. And even then I tried to stop, tried to choke back whatever was forcing its way through but I couldn't anymore. And he saw me like that. And he just let it happen. He was totally and wholly there for me. I don't even think I could come close to putting into words what that is. To have someone do something like that for you. Do have someone be there when you're so unimaginably weak. And I don't think my wall will ever work with him again. He's already on the inside.

And that's probably what is terrifying me the most. He's there now, in the span of a couple of months where no one's really ever been save those I've known for years. And just the way it happened. It wasn't a gradual breaking down of defenses. It was a shattering that happened in an instant at 3AM. Maybe I'm being melodramatic about this whole thing... I probably am. But it's so incredibly jarring... it really throws me off.

It doesn't change how I'm friends with him at all. I don't want it to. I had a tough time the day after that, and being around him put me on edge a bit. But I kept it down as much as possible, I knew it was ridiculous. It was a basic instinct. And now I'm okay again. I don't want to lose him, ever, because we're so close now. But at the same time my instincts want to push him away whenever things get emotional and I basically blew up at him in some vain attempt to throw him off. But that's a story for another entry. Right now I have to jet off to my play. I'm in "Inherit the Wind," and it's amazing and makes me so happy. So I'm running away again. But t least it's for a legit reason now. Anyway.

To be continued...

Current Mood:

frustrated

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29 June 2008 @ 11:05 pm

Look Who's Still Alive !!

Though not for lack of traumas.

I dented my baby (beautiful baby car) driving out of Metropark because I took the turn too wide. I clipped one of the cement rods they stick in the ground to direct traffice. 2:00PM so no one was around but I was completely distraught. My friend likely feared for her life because I just kept on repeating the same three phrases over and over again like someone going into shock. I wasn't even making sense. I went into this whole narrative about how if my car were a person they'd be in the hospital with a destroyed jaw and they'd need a metal plate put in and now my car could never trust me again. It trusted me to drive it and keep it safe and it could never trust me again. It was my baby and THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG AND OMG --- etc. etc. hysteria ad nauseum. Not to mention the pointing and screaming at people who obviously did not love their car as much as I, (uhm, hello, going into a left turn with pre-ordained signal and you're two hands are off of the wheel as you talk on the cellphone), yet their cars were pristine. I really was acting pretty psychotic.

In reality the dent is about the size of my palm, and my hands are small. The scratching makes it look worse than it is. My dad's going to take it into his work to see if a friend of his can do anything about it... God I hope so. I love that little car. 2008 Volkswagen Jetta, Wolfsburg Edition with the turbo-charged engine. <3 <3 Anyway, he's taking it in tomorrow, so hopefully I get it back pretty soon. It still gets me upset to think about it, though. I was inconsolable-- still am, pretty much.

That happened on Friday. It's been three days, and they haven't gotten much better after that. Figured out I'm not going to get to see Carl for about a month and a week or something, just due to bad scheduling. That obviously sucks. A lot of awkwardness on Saturday. A LOT. Chilled with a friend and that did not go as planned. Just... and awkward situation for about two hours. Still feel uncomfortable when I think about it. I probably should have said something but that would just be making a bad situation worse. I kinda just waited till he left. Does that make me a coward? =S

Today was nice. Spent some family time, saw Get Smart. Decent enough movie. The family enjoyed it, and we got some great eats afterward. =]

Highlight of the past week was definitely seeing Coldplay in the city. (This happened before the car trauma, mind you. Actually, I had only driven to Metropark to catch the train into the city with my friend.) We didn't get up close and personal, like I hoped. They were playing in Rockefeller PLAZA and not Rockefeller CENTER like we thought. But it made a great memory, inadvertently. We found the concert by following the sounds of Viva La Vida. We ran towards it and arrived as they were still performing. It felt like a music video. =] We had to wait for a while, but we ended up getting to hear a couple of songs (including Lost, which I am definitely adding to my Recent Faves List). Sammy got an amazing picture of him, too. That was pretty awesome.

I guess those are the most noteworthy things so far... I'm really just typing this up because Nani has been prodding me to update more frequently. So... that's about it. More to come (hopefully) !!

Current Mood:

blah

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13 June 2008 @ 04:41 am

Really, because this stuff only seems to happen to us...

Honestly, I can't see this happening to anyone other than Agata and I.
I mean, really, what are the freaking chances??

So, Agata's sleeping over tonight. Er, today. Er, yesterday? And anyway, it's four o'clock in the morning. Yes, 4:00 AM. Not a soul is awake in the rest of the house. Agata needs to go to the bathroom, so she runs off and I shut my eyes. I'm about to drift to sleep when suddenly I hear a rattling noise. It kinda sounds like the lock on my bathroom door. Seeing as it's not out of the ordinary, I ignore it. But it doesn't stop. It continues for about a minute or so before I drag myself off the floor and head out to the hallway. All the while I'm thinking, "How funny would it be if she honestly locked herself in there?"

Because WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? HONESTLY WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF AGATA LOCKING HERSELF IN MY BATHROOM AT FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING?

Well, the funny thing about that is...

"Agata, did you seriously just lock yourself in my bathroom?"
"Uhm.... yeahh...." The shaky reply.

Thus begins the half an hour episode of trying to break Agata free from my bathroom. I run downstairs and grab the first screwdriver I can find. It turns out to be a foot long, because really this scene wasn't comical enough without me struggling with a screwdriver the size of my forearm to try and unscrew screws the size of my pinky nail. After furiously trying to unscrew the two tiny screws, the doorknob finally pops out of my side of the door. I spy Agata through the whole clutching my black tweezers, because she couldn't find any bobby-pins to try and MacGuiver her way out on that side. This whole thing would have probably gone a lot more smoothly had we not subsided into fits of giggle ever few minutes. But really, this situation was just downright hilarious.

After the drama of trying to take the doorknob off, then came the drama of trying to put the doorknob back on. Suffice to say, that didn't go so well either. We actually almost ended up locking both of ourselves back in the bathroom with the only screwdriver I think exists in the house. Around 4:30 AM we gave up, and I called my Uncle Albert. After a whispered conference he told me to not worry about a thing, he'd drive over at 10:00 before heading into work and put the doorknob back on. He's a lifesaver like that. :]

So no actual casualties, though in the scuffle we managed to wake my mum up. I hope she's not angry. I'll have to find a way to make it up to her. Right now Agata and I are curled up on the floor with some sleeping bags and sheets kind of stunned. I think we're off for some well deserved rest. Though I did earn an invite to sleep over Agata's house and break any locks I find!

o__o;; Oh boyy.

Tags: this is surreal; only in the movies

Current Location: My Room

Current Mood:

amused

Current Music: Birds Chirping

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27 September 2007 @ 04:33 pm

(no subject)

Only seven more days!

Made by me, but feel free to use.
Just make sure to credit. =]
<3

Tags: supernatural; headers

Current Mood:

cheerful

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01 September 2006 @ 02:36 pm

Autumn

I know around this time a normal teen's lj would consist of entries moping over the end of summer. But I sincerely think I prefer Autumn. There's always something in the air... It's not an oppresive heat, it's an electricity. The type that makes you want to run around for no reason or laugh out loud. It's just the type of weather that makes you smile and stop, just for a second, to look around. I think I prefer that to dodging inside a building for even the rumor of air conditioning. I like the colors... how it can be cool but still completely sunny. I feel more at home during Autumn... happier. Which is probably the only thing that gets me through the start of school. The weather helps me feel optimistic.

It's something I really need to feel nowadays. I've been having the most horrible dreams, involving people that I know and love. Like a friend going to get an abortion, even though if she does she'll die and I can't convince her not to. A serial killer killing people just because of me. Having some sort of sickness that contorts my legs in the opposite directions, and every time I fix them and try to take a step they just mangle themselves again. Things that are just unnecessarily cruel, like coming home to find out that my grandfather (who's been dead for about five years) was really alive and forgotten in a different hospital than the one we had been visiting. And that's just been the past two nights. It makes me wish for the pointless dreams I used to have, the ones that used to frustrate me because they were so stupid. These just hurt. It makes me think of the school year too. I'm taking psychology, and the book we're going to be working on is about deciphering dreams. But I don't want to decipher my dreams! I don't even want to remember them! Dreams that horrible on the surface can be nothing but horrible in meaning anyway...

There has to be some sort of trigger, but if there is it's probably something selfish. My grandmother's been down in Florida for a while now... I miss her. I don't want to say anything to her because if she really enjoys it down there then why would I mess that up? But I miss having her here. She's been here my whole life, and now she's not. I can't see her as much as I want to, definitely not as much as I used to. It almost feels like she's dead. I know I can always call her but it's not the same. Actually, people moving seem to be the trend. My best friend is switching schools, and she was literally my whole support system. And then things are changing with one of my other best friends... Things are just... getting different I guess. It gets me nervous, even though it could turn into something really great. I get so... well, the only word I can think of is nervous. And I don't know if that's a good nervous or a bad nervous. With all of this and the dreams... It's like a cloud that just won't leave me alone. A sense of foreboding that I can usually stifle, but apparently manifests in my dreams for unknown reasons. Not to mention the usual gaggle of teen relationship problems.

I just want to let go of everything. I just don't know if that would solve my problems.

I feel like there's so much more to say, but I don't know how to say it. I don't know if it can be said or put into words. So I guess this is how I'm ending it.

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27 July 2006 @ 11:12 pm

Leavin On a Jet Plane ~

Well, I'm going to type this up now because I most likely won't have any time tomorrow.

I fly out to Rome, Italy tomorrow. ^__^ I'm pretty psyched about it, even though it's a 9 hour ride. From there it's onto the Cruise ship for ten days. We go around Greek Islands like Santorini, pass by Croatia, and even stop once on the coast of Turkey! This is like a dream for me; I absolutely adore traveling. And I've never been to Europe, much less island-hopping around Greece. The sights should be absolutely amazing! Not to mention I'll be turning 16 August 3rd. That's right in the middle of the cruise, so it's even more special. ^__^ *beams*

I do have some reservations about the trip... namely, I'm going to be the only from my group that is my own age. Hopefully I can meet someone on the boat, but that didn't work so well last time... And then of course I have a silly fear of sleeping on planes, which I'm going to have to do on the flight over. Because we're flying out so late, and the time difference, and (of course) we want to make the most of Rome, I have to try and get as much sleep as I can on the ride over. But I always have this odd fear of snoring. ^__^;;; Yeah, I know, it's weird. I'll get over it.

Tomorrow is going to be ridiculous, seeing as we haven't packed absolutely ANYTHING. Thank God we have a late flight, or else my mum might have aneurism. xP We're going to be gone for ten days, so there's going to be a lot of packing involved. It's going to be an early morning for me tomorrow!

And in other news~ Super psyched to start knitting again! I'm giving

justiceextinct's boy, Leuca, a present. I'm making it myself, and I can't wait to start! I already have a few ideas about what I'm going to be making. I just have to run them past my Aunt (who's a knitting genius) to start looking for some patterns. Ya know, the specifics of it all. The only thing is, I have to start the project after I get back from the trip. I find it very hard to believe I'll be able to get knitting needles through security. Pointy things + Airplane Security = Nuh uh. xP But I can't wait to start it! We're doing a trade; I knit for Leuca and she draws my (hopefully) soon-to-be boarder - Ethan. ^__^ Just can't wait!! ~

This summer started out pretty slow, but it's definitely picking up now! Things should get interesting. ^__~

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20 April 2006 @ 08:38 pm

One Long Day

Haven't written in this in a while, and there's a reason for that. Seussical (the play we performed) ended about two weeks ago. A lot has happened since then, personally, but I don't really feel like writing it here. The people who know about it need to know. If you really want the whole story you can ask me about it. But it's not worth the time it'll take to write down. So it's not going to be written. =)

But besides that, today is what I'm here to write down. It's worth remembering. I went into the City with a friend of mine. We've gone in two times before, and each time was just as fun. It left me feeling just as tired too xP. We walked everywhere, literally. We took a cab once the whole day. And were were definitely there the entire day. We got in at around 8 and left at around 6:45 at night. And all we did was shop. We walked around Chinatown, South Street Port, and Wall Street. We found the most amazing boutiques in Chinatown! I live for that stuff. The clothes we found in those stores were so original, things I knew I would probably never find anyplace else. I even bought some more accessories for my phone and the most amazing purse. It didn't cost that much, and was definitely worth what I paid for it. And we took some amazing pictures at some of the Churches, more specifically the graveyards behind them. Some of the tombstones were so old the writing was completely wiped clean. On the way home we talked about geishas and their lives. Memiors of a Geisha was an incredible movie... We're planning on dressing as geishas for the first day of the Anime Convention. Should be interesting to see how we make the costumes... And the day was absolutely gorgeous. Sunny but with a breeze so that it wasn't unbearable hot. The day couldn't have been better.

Not to mention the friend I went into the city with is a total blast to hang out with. We can be so silly together but it's totally expected. Or sometimes we can just walk down the street and not say a word but still feel totally comfortable with each other. But I am so spent from today it's ridiculous. So this is going to be extremely short. Oh, and Supernatural is on. <3 See ya later!!

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24 March 2006 @ 02:52 pm

Whole Lot a' Nothing.

Not a lot going on, besides the ridiculous work-load. Of course, it's all self-inflicted. But still! Time is rolling around to do the course selection for next year. Already I have to start thinking about college: what classes would look good, what extra-curriculars would look good. All very hectic. Even my schedule is just outrageous sometimes. I have to be in school tomorrow from 9:00 in the morning till 6:00 at night. ON A SATURDAY. From 9-10:30 I have a spanish competition, a two hour or so break then on to play practice till 6:00 at night. And then on Sunday I have play practice again. It's tech weekend, aka: WORK WORK WORK. Not to mention all the homework and tests I have for Monday. And tonight I'm working a Tricky Tray from 7:30 till 11:00. Though we did get a half-day because of it, so there's something to be thankful for. But I'll probably leave a little earlier than 11:00 tonight, though. Hopefully I can. I'm going to need a lot of sleep for this weekend. U_U;;;

Other than that, not much else has been happening. Watching Chicago. =] I think it's the theatre geek in me that loves a good musical. It's not my favorite genre of movies, but it can be entertaining. Also reading "Lord of the Flies" for school. I didn't really like it in the beginning, but it really caught me in the end. I'm only on Chapter 9. We went over that chapter already, but I have to reread it.

:: SPOILER WARNING :: I can't believe they killed Simon! They fucking killed Simon!! I was absolutely devastated! I know he really wasn't the most prominent character, but I felt like he was the character that I would be closest to in book. And now he's dead and... ugh. I was speechless when I heard. And then... well Roger is a sadistic bastard. What he did to that pig-- made me want to vomit. And Jack... well, he's obsessed with killing. It can grow into something a lot more dangerous, but it hasn't really yet. He's more like a nuisance. And Ralph... I almost have no feelings toward him. I think I've just been so emotionally drained after Simon was murdered. Those bastards. xP ::END OF SPOILER WARNING::

Though, on a better note, I'm back into wallpaper making. A couple of friends have already asked me to make them some backgrounds. Now that is work that I don't mind doing. I like making things for my friends, especially when they really like them. ^__^ I love when I see my wallpaper on their laptops. I know it's dorky, but still. =P

That's about it. Sad, I know. Alright. Recap: My life is pathetically boring at this point, and soon my brain is going to explode and seep out of my ears because of the work load. =/ Here's to hoping things liven up! =D

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11 March 2006 @ 09:21 pm

Nostalgia

Today was beautiful. No, it was gorgeous. It was summer in the winter. The type of natural contradiction that made the blood rush through your veins. It was incredible. I knew that it's just going to get cold again- in fact it's probably going to drop down to 30 degrees in a couple of days. But for today it was summer already.

I'm sure identifying summer is different for all people. For me? It's literally in the air. Odd enough, it's almost like I can smell it. As it passes by, swirls around me... it's invigorating. Maybe it's just been ingrained in my head since Kindergarten, that feeling that summer brings with it. Freedom, happiness. It's a wave of memories. Mostly of Florida at night, driving in a car or simply walking around outside. Memories of talks with family, looking up into the stars with friends and just smiling.Of running into the wind for no reason other than to pick up speed and feel the wind whip through your hair. Tomorrow it will get cold again and I'm going to have to start up on the Homework that's due on Monday. But for today I can savor the feeling. It's indescribable and ever so fleeting. I want to take advantage of it while I have he chance.

I might even have gotten sunburnt. :P Imagine that. The sun was glorious today and we just happened to be performing a song from our school play out at the Saint Patrick's Day Parade. I guess I didn't factor in just how sunny it was going to be. My cheeks are now painted a permanent cherry red. Hopefully it'll settle soon. Maybe it'll become a tan! :D Oh, and the perfomance went great. No one tripped over any wires! [since we were performing outside and there were no cordless mics there were a few cables to be mindful of as we performed >_>;;] We sang well and the choreo went well too. My mum was watching from the sidewalk and, believe me, she would tell me if we looked bad. xP;;

The rest of the day was spent with my Abuela and Mum doing random running-around things. I spent the last leg of the car ride listening to Andre Bocelli with them. He has an incredible voice, and he happened to be singing in Spanish so I could understand him. There's just something about those songs that make you dream of the moon making everything around you glow and stars twinkling. Of standing outside and just swaying along to the music. Very pretty stuff. :]

With this new burst of energy from whatever summer wind was blowing, I'm feeling a bit inspired. Now I have a millions of different story lines swirling around my head. I don't think my fingers would be able to type fast enough to get them all down, but I'm going to try. Now all I have to do is hope that Nani signs on on so I can bat around a few ideas with her. <3

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02 March 2006 @ 08:34 pm

Gunpoint.

Second post in one day. An oddity, no? Well, I certainly think that this warrants a second post.

Amazing how one thing can totally twist your night around. I was having an incredibly good day, not a care in the world. Mum came home and she made spaghetti and meatballs. We ate dinner together and I had just gone downstairs retransfix myself to the computer. And that's when the knock came.

I don't like to answer the door, and I certainly didn't want to so late at night. I let my mum get it. I thought it was the neighbor who was going around to get signatures for a petition. We're not allowed to have pets and this woman has a young daughter that really wanted a little Papillion. I know we signed the petition already though, maybe we hadn't mailed it out? Or it could have been those two old biddies that apparently did not want small animals to be allowed in the development and had come with a counter petition a couple of days ago...

It was neither.

Instead I heard the voices of two men, and my mother. Alright, warning bells. No way my dad would have gotten home this early, and there were two men anyway. I lowered the volume on the computer to try and hear them speak. I caught the words "gun" and "robbery". Nothing from my mom. But I didn't get the feeling that we were in any type of real danger, not yet. Still, those are two words I'd rather not hear spoken by two men that I don't know in my house at 7:30 at night. I began to walk upstairs to my landing slowly and silently.

What I saw was thankfully not as bad as it had sounded. There was two men, at least around 6'0" or at the very least 5'8" One was wearing a small police's badge on the lapel of his overcoat. One looked pretty young, mid to late-30s. The other was probably slightly older, around his mid-40s. They were talking to my mom who had a look on her face that seemed to be a cross of shock and concern. I came up on the tail end of their conversation.

"What's more scary for me is that I actually have a teenage daughter living here who walks home from school alone every day." I heard my mother say. Then she spotted me coming up the stairs and introduced me to the two men. They were both undercover cops doing a canvas of the area. And that's when the bomb dropped. The reason they were going door to door on my block?

Two twenty year olds, one black and one white, held up a man at gunpoint on Tuesday night at 7:00pm. Right across the street from me. I can literally see the man's house from any window on the west side of my house. It would take me less time to walk to his house than it would take you to have read this so far. What's probably scarier? This happened TWO WHOLE NIGHTS AGO. And we knew nothing until now. Scarier still is the fact that my mum would have just gotten home after driving me to play practice. That could've been her.

I racked my brain, trying to think of anything useful I could tell them. I always watch Law and Order on TV, and get frustrated when the witnesses don't say anything. I imagine what would happen if I were in their shoes. What I would be able to say to help them... I told the police everything I could, which wasn't much. I hadn't been home at the time, and my development was usually a very quiet place. I mentioned to them how a lot of school kids and people who try to take the bus near my house usually walk through the development, and how some cars playing unusually loud music had driven past. I couldn't tell them much more than that, and neither could my mother. They thanked us for our cooperation anyway and then left.

So now I'm sitting in front of the computer with a severe case of the creeps, typing away to get this out of my brain. Forget finishing any of that homework I was supposed to do... My mum's already called my Aunt Sandy. She's going to pick me up straight from school tomorrow, so I don't have to walk home alone. Things could have gone a lot worse for us, and thankfully they didn't. But this is still severely creepy.

Funny. We were just discussing how things could go so completely wrong or backwards in so little time today in English Class. Whoever knew it would actually happen to me just a few hours after that discussion?

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02 March 2006 @ 01:53 pm

My Dreams Are Made of Resin

Yesterday certainly proved to be a very interesting day. It certainly turned out better than I hoped. I even think it rubbed off on today! But that's getting ahead of myself.

Before I explain why I'm so happy, I should probably explain something else called ABJD. ABJD stands for Asian Ball Jointed Dolls. They're incredible, and absolutely gorgeous. Definitely not a barbie or any other type of American doll. They are also an artist's dream, any type of artist. Like fashion? You can make them clothes in whichever style you like. Like painting? Customise their face-up (meaning the paint that they come with around the eyes and lips by default). Like to draw? Use them as a reference on a certain pose. Like to write? Use them as an outlet to make the character that's been floating in your brain. I sometimes try and explain this to my other friends. Some barely even believe that they're looking at a doll and not at a human model when they look at the picture. However, I should just show you and let you decide for yourself. :]

This is a picture of Ilu, maltec_spider's boy. Just as anything else, there are many different makers and types of ABJDs. It's almost like there's this whole underground society that few people know about. Ilu is a Luts Shiwoo, if I'm not mistaken. I think these dolls (especially one's made my Luts) are absolutely gorgeous. In fact I'm saving up to buy one of my own. ^__^;; BJDs cost a pretty penny, but in my mind they're worth it. There's only one problem... I've never actually seen one of these in person. Which brings me to the first reason why yesterday rocked.

I'm planning on going to AnimeNEXT with my friend in June. (AnimeNEXT is an anime convention) I was commenting on another ABJD owner's site. Her name is Valentine and her site is http://damaged-angel.net/. Her dolls are probably amongst the first dolls that actually got me into the ABJD world. I left a comment about how I probably would never be able to see one in person unless by some act of God she was planning on shipping out to AnimeNEXT. It was a joke; I really didn't think she was going to go. But then I checked her website in school and almost had to clamp my hand over my mouth before I started screaming. She said it wasn't that far from her!!! Not only that, but another user on that site said she had been planning on going to AnimeNEXT all along! And that there was even going to be a mini BJD meet-up!! My friend that was sitting next to me in class seemed to question my mental health until I finally calmed down and tried to pay attention the rest of the class.

Also yesterday was Ash Wednesday. I don't know why, but I felt really proud to carry those ashes. Especially walking home. I've had some... interesting things yelled at me by some of the public school kids when I've walked home. Wearing the ashes were a source of strength for me. It was like a sign that I'm not hiding who I am, or the fact that I go to a Catholic School. *shrug* I'm giving up popcorn for Lent, which is hard because that's my favorite afterschool snack! Bleh. But I'll do it.

I wasn't paying much attention yesterday anyway. I was too busy having an in-depth debate with two of my friends on whether Ron Weasley or Draco Malfoy would win in a fist fight. Yeah, I know. This is what a Sophmore does to amuse herself during the school day. You'd think we really should be paying more attention in class seeing our schedule. But no, we choose to debate about this. I think it's our brains shutting down after all the work. BUT: Ron Weasley was proclaimed hands-down winner in a fist fight between himself and Draco Malfoy. The official verdict was that he would smash Draco's face into the pavement. Don't mess. >3 (on a similar note it was also determined he could kick Harry's ass if they ever got in a fight.)

AND- There was a Winter Weather Advisory for later on today, so we got off of school early. 11:00 to be exact. How rad is that?? :D

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25 February 2006 @ 09:00 pm

Suicide Club

I haven't had the time to write up this entry until now. Contrary to popular belief, I do have a life. =P

Yesterday was pretty busy, what with school taking up half of the day. In retrospect, it wasn't a bad school day. Friday's not my easiest day (schedule-wise) but it's not my toughest either. Once that was done it was on to Friday-night Planning. This is usually done hurriedly on the bus and always falls through. I don't put much stock in it since all of us are always in a rush and no one cares to put in the time to actually make this work. So when I got home, I thought I would just be in for a couple hours of downtime.

I ended up watching a movie I prodded my Uncle into renting for me. I had to get my Uncle to rent it for my because my Mum got all protective when she read the title. It's a Japanese film called "Suicide Club". It was one of those films where everything means something else. I was kinda disappointed in myself because I knew that there was some symbolism I just wasn't getting. The film was completely in Japanese but it had English subtitles. I didn't mind so much, I think I would prefer that to cheesy Americanized dubs. The plot was a little hard to follow because the target changed so much, so it sort of resembled something more like short stories that all linked together. It's basic premise is about following others, measuring our worth by someone else. But on the bottom it held deeper questions and observations about life. Like: we all have undeniable and unbreakable links to the people around us, but how do we link to ourselves? Are we connected to ourselves? Or are we simply here because of everyone else? Is it really others we fight against, or is our own worst enemy simply ourselves? Those bonds that we have with our friends, boy/girlfriends, and family are unbroken by distance, time, or even death. So if we have no connection to ourselves except what we have with others... then why are we still alive? Bottom line came out to be: live the life you want. Simple as that. I really like the movie, but I have the feeling that I need to watch it a second time to get most of the stuff.

Then my night did a total 180 because it seems my friends are better at last-minute planning than I thought. It took some persuasive speech-making on my part to get my Mum to let me go (since my friend's mother wasn't going to be there) but it finally happened. We all met up at my friends house around 7ish. I had thought it was just going to be me and three other friends, but the final number came out to be around ten. Excluding the guys my friend's brother had over. So yes, a group of ten kids was rampaging through the streets off downtown Metuchen on a Friday night. Fun was had by all. Excessive amounts of laughter and generally acting high (apparently a skill my friends and I share, being able to act completely off the wall without even coming close to one illegal substance xP ). One near death experience which included me staring down the headlights of a car while having a piggyback ride on another friend's back. One picture of me in my tank top (again, genius that I am-- wearing a tanktop and jeans with a jacket in 20- degree weather) sitting on a pile of snow to prove how hardxcore(stupid/stubborn) I am. Multiple other photos of random acts of silly/craziness. I would go into more detail but I fear for your own peace of mind and sanity. I got home around 10:40/10:50 and spent the rest of the night on the phone with a friend (even though he had been there the whole night). Finally got off the phone around 12:15. =P My friend and I are good like that, we never run out of things to talk about. Ever. xP

Today was equally as busy. Spent FIVE HOURS in the mall. >_>;; But it was shopping with my abuela for her birthday so I stomached it. Then home to crash for a little bit and work on my US History project due on Monday. Then we went out to a really nice Thai restaurant for her birthday dinner. Now we're home. Still "working" on the project (aka: procrastinating horribly). My abuela is watching "Driving Miss Daisy" and I think I just might join her. =]

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21 February 2006 @ 08:00 am

Hello, Stranger.

I really wish I could do this from my home computer, but it seems that I'm going to be denied that wish. It just seems to me that something like this should be done from a home computer. Maybe it's the whole concept of "home". Safety, warmth. It's probably that which appeals to me most. It seems funny that as I type this the sounds of a war are somewhere distant in the background. They're floating alongside my consciousness. No, I don't live in some war-torn country far away from a tranquil civilization. I'm simply listening to the background noises of a video game that's been put on pause on the TV behind me. No, I'm still safe and obviously somewhere with an internet connection.

But this still isn't my home computer.

It occurs to me that introductions are never how they're supposed to be. You can't plan something like this because there's always going to be an unknown factor, the "xx" factor. But if everything could be planned it certainly wouldn't be as much fun, now would it? No, I think I much rather it this way. I'm bored easily enough as it is. So this is my introduction of myself. I find it lacking, but it's going to have to suffice.

I don't see how a person is supposed to be summed up in a couple of words, some sentences, a paragraph. I don't even think the English language has enough words to properly describe emotions. How is it supposed to be able to sum up a human being, who at any one point in time can be filled with so many emotions they can't begin to sort through them? But I think it should be that way. There's a point in which words simply become ink on a page, code on a computer screen. Words are the definition of what we feel and think, a nifty way to communicate things to each other. But what really matters in life, what is really and truly meant, is never so easily classified. It should be felt, it should be lived. It should never be defined. It's simply beyond definition.

I'm supposed to be writing about my life, about the world I see around me. But I don't see the world that you see, I can almost guarantee it. Most of the masses never bother to ask why. And sometimes, they just ask too much.Quite the double-edged sword. But don't take me wrong. I'm not here to claim intelligence. In fact, most would say that my common sense is lacking to an almost alarming level. I'm just trying to say that I see things... differently. I tend to look past what people accept. Where most would simply take a stranger's greeting at face value, I would be awed by the small act of kindness so lost in today's raging world. I stop to appreciate, to study and observe. The common line in the sand that people stop at, well... I tend to jump it. And I'd never ask for it any other way.

I am a walking contradiction. If you come away with any impression it would probably be that one. I was the girl who walked with her nose in a book and her head in the clouds. I'd sit on the swings but I would fly. I'd jump off a stage empty-handed and land in a forest with a sword in my hand. Loyal to a fault and always ready for a fight, yet surprisingly observant. Outgoing and sharp-tongued, but it's usually what I don't say that really matters. I take pride in the masks I've made. Always moving, always watching. I work on a code of rules that don't always follow everyone else's. This is my own definition of myself; this is to help you understand everything that's going to come after this. You're going to need this. My head isn't easy to get into, and it's even harder to understand. I take pride in the fact that I'm always changing, always adapting. It happens on a daily basis to the point that I teeter on the edge of losing myself entirely behind doubts and second-guesses. Add onto that the fact that I'm simply riddled with teenage raging hormones... It's quite an entertaining little equation. ; ]

So read on if you think I'm intriguing, if I happen to pique your interest. But stay on your toes. My life is going to be one hell of a ride. I'm going to make sure of it. ; ]

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